vrijdag 13 mei 2016

Jager's

 
i have been really busy making my little yard a little paradise
and i think i succeeded!
i will post some pictures of the results any soon!
for now, it's just mostly me in my yard hah
i'll also post it on lookbook.nu

pictures are taken by Maaike de Jager

tonight i am going to the grand opening of Het Glas in Lood!
i don't think i've mentioned it anywhere yet, but i am going to be working there!
it's a brand new Cafe in the centrum of the city, completely renovated and absolutely awesome
and i am so proud to be part of it!
i will make a post about it in time, because it's just a really awesome concept
and so different from the things we have here in Deventer.
more about that later(:

zondag 17 april 2016

these are a few of my favourite things?

some shots from my instagram 
but i am guessing everyone who still reads my blog is actually following me on instagram
soooo you probably have seen all these already hah. 
but then, my blog is mostly for all my thoughts and things.

this weekend i went to the local market with the old man i met at the park
(you remember him?) 
he bought me flowers, hah he is so sweet. i love how he still wants things in life.
how he's not done with life yet. i've seen so many older people who are.
so after buying some fruits and plants for my garden, we went to my home for a cup of coffee.
(i don't drink it, but alright you get the gesture)
later that evening i wanted to drink something at my favourite bar nearby
and i suddenly thought; would you guys be interested in a post about my favourite places? (:
i'm getting more and more interested in photographing my surroundings, even though i find it a lot harder to make everything look as beautiful in the shot as it does in reality.
but anyway, i was curious; let me know your thoughts!
any ideas are welcome

vrijdag 1 april 2016

Kolifleur S16 IIII

 my fourth look for Kolifleur!
wearing a Bellerose blouse, Bruuns Bazaar blue skirt over a Ganni striped skirt.
and i am crazy in love with the colors from the wall hah.

so recently my mama and i cleaned my entire yard (yes i have a tiny cute backyard!)
it was entirely overgrown with wild strawberries, old underpants (not mine, i assure you. i am guessing previous owner!) glass, poop from ronja and so on.
one nasty business hah.
but after cleaning it all i was so content, imagening all the plants and flowers i am going to grow there
and how melle will be able to play outside if the weather's fine!

unfortunately i didn't think of creating a 'before' picture until 'after', but this is what it looks like now;
i didn't even know my yard had paving stones, now look at them!
i will take pictures of it's progress (:

zondag 27 maart 2016

Kolifleur S16

 so recently me and Eva from Kolifleur shot some looks for the spring collection 2016!
and i have to say i fell a little bit in love with this dress from forte_forte.
if you are interested in any of the items (i'll be posting the rest of the outfits in the coming days! 
i even started posting on lookbook.nu again)
go to Kolifleur.nl or her instagram (:
now i am going to take a long walk with ronja along the Ijssel
and clear my head while listening to beautiful music

vrijdag 11 maart 2016

te laat

 
ik sta op
ben veels te laat
ik blijf liggen
uren weggestaard
ik sta op
nogsteeds te laat
loop mijn voeten achterna
gebukt onder gedachten
de stilte schreeuwt overdag
net als in de nachten 

~

not really going to translate that
because it would probably make even less sense in english.

donderdag 10 maart 2016

niet vandaag

ik wil heus wel verliefdig zijn
en lopen en leven
ik wil heus wel gedachteloos zijn
en altijd alles geven
 maar niet vandaag

ik wil heus wel dat meisje zijn
dat dansend je sigaret afpakt
een hijsje neemt en grijnst 
wegdanst, alles tot in de puntjes verfijnd.
maar niet vandaag

en misschien morgen ook wel niet.
 
~
i do want to be in love
and walk and live
i do want to be thoughtless
and give everything at any time
but not today.

i do want to be that girl
that dances by, snitching your sigaret
that grins and dances off
everything refined to perfection.
but not today.

and maybe not tomorrow either.


click

dinsdag 1 maart 2016

sluimerdagen

soms heb ik van die dagen
dat ik alleen een hoofd heb.
dan spreek ik vreemde woorden
die samen geen zin uitdragen.
dan heb ik weinig zin in iets anders dan mijn gedachten
en mopper ik op vreemdelingen
die voor mijn voeten lopen.
dan sluimer ik 
tussen dicht en tussen open.
 ~
somedays 
i don't have a head.
i speak strange words
that don't become a sentence.
 i dont want anything or anyone except my thoughts around.
i mutter at strangers 
that happen to be around.
i slumber
between open and close

woensdag 24 februari 2016

the loneliest whale in the world


in het stadje waar ik woon
kent iedereen elkaar
en we hebben een aantal 'dorpsgekken'
al klinkt dat veels te negatief en zou het eigenlijk 'vreemdelingen' moeten zijn.
omdat we ze niet kennen.
als ik 's ochtends rond een uur of zes een wandeling maak
zie je ze meestal allemaal verzameld op het stadsplein
ze drinken hun late-nacht of vroege-ochtend bier
en sjofelen de straat over.
ze vallen niemand lastig, enkel af en toe henzelf.
de sneeuwman, de vieze oude man
de dronkenlap, de bedelman,
 gabbertje en de vreemde oma
en de oehoe-man.

ik heb gehoord dat de oehoe-man eigenlijk de joehoe-man is.
omdat hij probeert te communiceren met iemand.
hij schreeuwt vanuit zijn tenen, zijn vuisten gebald
met zijn hele lichaam;
JOEHOE
je hoort het door de hele stad, het geluid is oorverdovend van dichtbij.
 iedereen in ons stadje kent de joehoe-man. 
al weet bijna niemand
naar wie hij altijd joehoe schreeuwt.
maar mij doet hij altijd denken
aan de eenzaamste walvis van de zee.
de walvis die op de verkeerde, een veel te hoge, frequentie
naar alle andere walvissen huilt.
maar omdat het veels te hoog is, zwemt ze al bijna haar hele leven 
alleenig in de zee. 

al joehoe't menig mens terug,
 het lijkt niet het antwoord wat hij zoekt.
en als ik dan 's avonds in mijn bed lig, en een luide joehoe door de straten galmt
vraag ik me steeds weer af
of hij ooit een antwoord krijgt.
of dat hij uberhaupt een vraag stelt?

~

in the small city where i live
pretty much everyone knows everyone.
and we have a few well known 'village idiots'
which sounds way too negative. strangers would be better. because we don't know them, or their story.
sometimes when i take a morning walk around six o'clock
i find almost all of them gathered at town square
drinking their late-night or early-morning beer,
shuffeling around the streets
they don't bother anyone, except occasionally themselves.
the Snowman, the Dirty man.
the Drunk, the Beggar
Gabbertje and the Strange old lady.
and Oohoo-man.

i've heard the Oohoo-man is actually the Joehoe-man
because he would be trying to communicate with someone
he yells from his toes, his fists clenched
with all of his body;
JOEHOE
you hear it all over the town, the noise deafening up close.
and even though pretty much everyone knows him
nobody seems to know to whom or why he is yelling 'joehoe'.
but he always reminds me of 'the loneliest whale in the world'
the whale that had been alone for most of its life
just because she is crying in the wrong, way too high frequency.
so no other whale can hear here
and she stays alone in the big sea.

even though many people yell back at him
 it doesn't seem like he's getting the answer he's looking for.
and when i am laying in my bed and hear a loud 'joehoe' echoing through the streets
i can't help but wonder
if he'll ever get the answer
or if he's even asking a question?


donderdag 11 februari 2016

the life of death

walking along the Ijssel is such a treat everyday
even though it's pretty much flooded now since all the rain
and i suddenly stood in the water untill my ankles.
discovered my shoes weren't waterproof.
but my day isn't that easily ruined.
im writing little poems about the moment first time i realised my parents had actual names 
other than mama and papa.

do you remember very long ago i shared a shortfilm my sister made
about The Life of Death?
and how i couldn't show it because it was still running in a festival-thingy?
well it is finally online!
took a few years, but better later than never!
and i'm proud that my sister was able to make such a touching handdrawn story.

you can watch it 

dinsdag 2 februari 2016

what a week

these are some of the pictures laila and i shot together!

it's been crazy weather, a few weeks ago ronja and i lost two balls because of the snow and ice
and now suddenly it's warm enough to walk around with-without-coat.
and we still lost another ball. so that's not really connected in any way with the weather.
ronja and i have been playing tom and jerry with a few mouses in our house
even though they are incredibly annoying and noisy for such tiny creatures,
they are just. so. cute.
and annoying.
a week ago one of them was drinking water out of ronja's water bowl
while it stared at me.
 i have to buy some animal-friendly not-killing traps.
on friday i visitied hans and went to watch her photography exposition
(favorite photo *click*
and then got a phone call from the old man i am helping to clean his house (remember?)
he was going to have the results of a biopt, and it turned out to be bad news.
so on saturday ronja and i went to the market, bought a boquete of flowers and went to visit him
where he ofcourse welcomed ronja and me with open arms. 
oh and earlier there was a swan walking in the rushing traffic and i hobbled over, stopping cars
and driving the swan to the side of the road towards to water.
i think it must have looked pretty funny,
it's a little strange not having the therapy, but i'm replacing it with good things.
now i am writing this wrapped up in a blanket while on the background How i met your mother is playing.
wobbe is snoring next to me on the couch, i just gave melle a belly-masage because she is bloated and that's how we do and ronja is sleeping.
i'm gooood!

zondag 24 januari 2016

Q&A - therapy taboo

so for those who follow my instagram know what this post is about already
(and probably recognize these therapy toilet selfies!)
yesterday i finished my 6 months of therapy at a chronic pain treatment.
and i have always been getting questions about it, so i decided to do a Q&A
it's a very personal subject, but because i often feel like there is some kind of taboo on being in therapy
so i want to give you guys some insight about how it has helped me.

what is your therapy for?
 this therapy was specifically for my physical limitations.
in a rehabilitation centrum, specialized in chronic pain.
the goal was not to get rid of the pain, but to learn to cope with the pain

what causes your chronic pain?
 that's a difficult question, since in the regular hospitals they will tell me 'there is nothing wrong with me'
though there have been a lot of studies lately in which there are some breakthroughs of what may cause chronic pain. in my case my neural system is simply said overstrung.
you could also call it fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and tenderness in localized areas. 
when i was still a teenager i had a strong need to get a 'name' for what i was going through. especially because so often people with my symptoms often are being told
 they are just overreacting, that it is 'in your head', to 'get yourself together'
which is kind of logical when you think about it, 
because there are a lot of  'i'll believe it when i see it' people around.
let's just say there is a lot of incomprehension.
that is also what i believe is so wrong in the medical world, trying to divide physical and mental symptoms
when our bodies are one, our mental state influences our physcial state and vice versa. 
you can not see those two apart from eachother.
luckily that idea is finally getting through to the medical world, providing treatments like the one i just had.

what are your biggest achievements? what do you think has changed in your life since you started? 
before this treatment i didn't trust my body anymore, and felt like there was nothing i could do to influence the pain. i felt very powerless and started to ignore all the signs my body gave me, pushing it farther and farther over the edge. my biggest achievement in this therapy is that i feel much more in control over my body and to take it serious again; which is hard when your body is always screaming everything is too much.
i found out resting is a problem for me, because as soon as i rest, i feel lazy, useless.
i have found a better balance between activity and rest, and understand my symptoms better.

what does this therapy looks like?
i have been in many different kinds of therapy over the past ten years for many different things
depression, anxiety, eating disorders, insomnia and physical problems.
to narrow it down a bit i will only describe my latest treatment;
it was a part-time treatment, meaning i wasn't admitted into a clinic, but had two days of therapy in a week.
it contained PMT (psychomotor therapy) in which i was exploiding my borders, and learned which signs my body gave me were the ones i should take serious.
then Occupational Therapy (in dutch its Ergotherapy, not sure if this is the right translation)
in which i was trying to get a better view on how much energy every activity costs me by writing down everything i do in a chart, and how i could make it less energy consuming.
 Physiotherapy, in which i have gotten a different view on relaxation, and how to.
then the Fitness and Swimming therapy, to slowly build my endurance and muscles.
and last but not least a psychologist with whom i was able to talk about my experiences throughout the treatment.

does contact with your best friends help you, or has it no influence?
i would even say it's one of the most important things for me.
if i am not in contact with people, i tend to drift off in my own head
believing all my negative thoughts.
contact with friends, or even strangers, is so important in order to keep evolving your view on life.

do they really listen to you?
not everyone listens. i've had a lot of different therapists over the past 10 years
and i think about 20% were good for me.
if you consider therapy, it is very natural to 'browse' for a right fit.
that might sound a little weird, but i think it is very important you feel safe in therapy.
when i was younger i didn't feel comfortable telling a therapist it wasn't working out for me
costing me a lot of time i could have spend with someone i actually feel comfortable with.

at what age did you get into therapy?
about age 12, but my first admittion in a clinic was at 14.

do you ever dislike going to therapy?
in the past, most of the time.
because i wasn't really ready to change, and the treatment wasn't something i had chosen for myself.
but this treatment i háve chosen myself, and i was very motivated.
and even more important, i was ready. 
but ofcourse, somedays i really didn't feel like confronting myself with the flaws and difficulties in my life.
 
during therapy do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your therapist? or is it hard for you to talk about personal things?
like i said in another answer already, i think it is important to feel safe around your therapist.
otherwise it's hard to share.
but there are always subjects that stay hard to talk about.
everyone has some.

do you take medicine besides the therapy?
yes, i take antidepressants for the pain.
 painkillers don't effect my pain, because the pain is caused in my brain.
the antidepressants numb my neurosystem.
i have injections to increase my resistance so i won't catch every cold
i take magnesium and vitamin D supplements.

oof! hopefully you've found my answers helpful in any way.
it's a subject close to my heart because so many people get looked at funny because of being in therapy
but i think it shows you are working on yourself, admitting and accepting your flaws.